I do not know when I first became angry. It was probably the first time someone told me that I couldn’t do something because I was born a girl, or that I should like some things and not others because of my gender. Those messages were certainly received early on, and I was never a typical girl.
I do recall the last time I was angry—now, as I write this.
And I am aware that my energy and drive are directly connected to my inner fire, which is fueled by my anger. Anger is an energy, it is my energy, it is my fuel. It is my primary motivation.
I can’t count the times I’ve been overcome with depression, fatigue, illness, chronic pain, cancer treatments, etc., that I’ve pushed myself up out of my sickbed by drawing upon my deep well of anger. I won’t be this. I won’t take this any longer. I won’t let this happen. I will do this my goddamn self.
But where does it come from and why is it always there?
It may simply be a spark generated from the clash of encountering the world from my perspective, the flint of my brain on the steel of reality. A gift of my wiring. Anger is a gift that I embrace.
I inherited a sharp tongue from the previous generation of my family, and a deep meanness from some hillbilly ancestor or other. That meanness probably kept them alive too. I’ve learned over time and experience to choose my battles more carefully, and to be mindful of my smart mouth. The meanness I have learned to tease apart from the anger, so that my flame is not contaminated by an urge to do harm or an impulse to not give a shit about my future actions and how they impact my community.
A little meanness is good to keep on hand, though.
The anger that’s left… I want to use that fire to light the lamp of my internal altar, so that it is always there, unburied, unhidden. I want to breathe fire when I speak, so that my working hands have trails of flame, so that my step sparks fire, so that my mind is a controlled explosion—and so that I do not burn up with it, or burn others with it. To use it to pull, but never to push.
So that I can keep my beloveds warm through the winters to come.
Crabaghast! 